The Honeymoon is Over (Monday, June 22, 2009 - Stirling, Scotland)

For those of you betting on the amount of time it would take me to be "over" the Scotland Trip, please feel free to cash in now. I've been “off” for two days now (not by choice, mind you), but I will do my best to recall the events that finally killed my travel buzz.

Saturday, June 20

Our brilliant travel agent shacked us up in the boonies…again… Instead of just throwing us in Ft. William itself (which has a McDonald’s…which means things are open past 5), we were shoved into the “town” (and by town, I mean 3 buildings…1 place to get food under 10p, open until 4:30 daily) of Ballachulish, 15 miles away from civilization. Our hotel was pretty swanky ($180p a night, not cheap), was able to make warm water with the ninja faucet (Ref: pics), and postcard companies everywhere would die to have had our view…why is this on the “killers” list, you ask? WELL…in my infinite life wisdom (HAH), I have come to find that usually the things in the prettiest packages are that way for a reason…there is nothing of practical use under the surface, and looking good on the outside is merely nature’s way of countering this fact. As much as I hate to stand on “Darwin’s Soapbox,” Ballachulish was a huge-mongous ™ waste of what could have been a perfectly good free day. The cheeseburger from the tourist information center was delicious, I went on a “geology walk” on the beach, invented “Extreme Jenga” (also see pics… was a good 10 min. of slate stacking fun for the whole family!), but other than that…nothing. And to add insult, Ballachulish is a pretty big extreme outdoor sporting hub (mountain biking, kayaking, etc.), which no one bothered to mention beforehand. So I was stuck meandering around a couple little nature trails whilst all of the informed travelers and their mothers were off hitting the whitewater…so…bummer. Also, no internet. Double bummer.

Sunday, June 21

Cabin Fever has escalated to more of a Lord of the Flies situation very quickly…mostly because we are stuck on a bus for 9-12 hours daily…one of the guys likes showtunes…the two that sit next to me, everyday like clockwork choose two comic book/star wars/superheroes and debate for HOURS on who would beat whom in a matchup and why… the lady who sits a couple seats up doesn’t hold onto her belongings, so bananas, pens, notes, etc. fall back into the isle constantly, which tact tells me I have to get out of my seat, pick them up, and walk them back…I’ve ran out of songs on the IPOD…If I see one more piece of bread with cheese I might use it to choke someone…I am turning into a sailor, language-wise…My pants are falling off constantly... the King Robert hotel isn’t (it’s really a Motel 6 in disguise…with bad internet, half a shower door, and a 'restaurant’ with 1 chef…)…we were told Sunday was to be our ‘short day,’ but we got stuck in a traffic jam (really Scotland?...really??) and didn’t get to the hotel until 6:30, by which time everything was of course closed…and the restaurant doesn’t believe in the words “fast” or “multitask,” so it took 3 hours total to get dinner and eat it…last time I checked, cheesecake was not an actual slice of cheese cut into a triangle shape with strawberry sauce camouflage…the internet didn’t work (mind you, I am not an I.T. genius, but all that needed to be done was to unplug the router and plug it back in…the old lady receptionist just pretended not to hear me…)…Everyone is truly getting sick of one another, and we’re all just ready to go home (and by home, I mean Edinburgh)… I am seriously considering eating a classmate just to get some real food in. Also, did you know grocery stores in Scotland do not have plastic bags? Or plastic forks? Well they don’t… and let me tell you, eating cold pasta with a potato chip after carrying a load of snacks out looking like I stole them was definitely not the highlight of my day.

And now we come to today…Monday… After getting 5 hours of sleep because no one would get out of my room last night (even tried the…’yawn, yawn…think I’ll take a shower’…then actual taking of the shower…and they were STILL THERE), and waking up to the sound of bagpipes (unfortunate side effect of staying within walking distance of the most important battlefield in Scots history), I had a cracking breakfast of toast and jam because the eggs were sitting in water and the bacon was, I am convinced, still alive. Would have been OK, had it not been the only thing to eat until 2 p.m. I was literally half-laying across the counter at KFC trying to get my order out. Visited Stirling Castle, which would have been a fabulous stop Mary Queen of Scots-wise, had the actual palace not been closed for renovation, and had the remaining things to see not been presented Six-Flags style. I would much rather use my imagination (some people still have those, you see) with a castle in ruins, than be force-fed life sized talking plasticine figures in their plasticine environs. If I wanted Disney World, I would have gone to Disney World. Mary Queen of Scots (or, everything but her head, rather) is no doubt turning in her grave. Good news is, it seems the professors are tired too, and they called it a day at 4:30. A big thank you to Baby Jeebus and his Daddy-o. (Speaking of Daddy-O’s, which could also double as a cereal, many a Happy Father’s Day shout out to my Daddy-O and my Step-Daddy-O!)

Silver Candy-Coated Linings:

1. The toilet at the King Robert flushes. And well.

2. KFC today…REAL CHICKEN! And it was delicious.

3. Discovered my own personal super hero… the Midgie Man. Midgies are tiny mosquito-like little insects that apparently prefer to live in and around tourist attractions. Midgie Man is their arch nemesis. Yesterday, I fell backward into a ditch at the Bonnie Prince Charlie Monument whilst being forced into the ‘tall people’ (back) section of a group picture, and angered a whole colony of these critters. While trying to get away, I noticed what I thought was a really hideous looking statue below the monument, which turned out to be a strange little man looking at me and shaking his strange little head. He looked like a statue, because his super-hero anti-midgie garb and face shield (see pics) blended in perfectly with the darker shades in the stone, and also because he was TOTALLY standing in a full-on “thinker” pose. “That is hardly enough to be considered a superhero”, you say? Not so. As Isabelle was giving her report on B.P.Charlie, Midgie Man began mumbling very audibly “No,” and “No tha’s not right” in the background after each of her sentences, much like a homeless person talking to his invisible friends. It was, needless to say, stellar, and Midgie Man deserves his own little place (probably an overpass or cardboard box) in history for his unpaid guard-dogging of the BPC statue and balls-to-the-wall heckling style.

4. Had a wee little peeksie under Bonnie Prince Charlie the statue’s kilt whilst at the top of the monument for research purposes. It’s really no wonder the Jacobite Uprising was not victorious. It’s leader was less one very important sword!

5. Made 2 important film pilgrimages yesterday: 1. To see the bridge that the Hogwarts Express crosses in the Harry Potter movies. It….was….less than magical. 2. To Doune Castle, where the infamous scene of the arrogant French knight taunting King Arthur was filmed for Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Had a jolly good time shouting “your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberry!” over the ramparts. At no one in particular. (If this does not make sense to you, please watch the following and note that I am thoroughly disappointed in your lack of movie taste: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V7zbWNznbs)

6. Had a good chuckle yesterday evening…said I would be dining alone as I had been personally invited to a “Twatt-luck Dinner” at Twatt Cathedral. Almost instantly, one of my classmates replied, “that’s perfect, I need to bring in my donation for the ‘Toys for Twatts’ drive.” I very nearly had to be taken in for sheer hysteria, laughing-wise.

7. Will begin work on my “Hamish the Highland Coo” cross-stitch keychain kit this evening, which I picked up while browsing the “grannies-only” section of the tourist shop yesterday. Also acquired: a wooden ruler with all of the Scottish “rulers” listed on back…to hit people with…the Scots were, after all, an aggressive people, historically speaking.

8. Despite malnourishment being at threat level: Ethiopian, managed to make it up the approx. 250 step spiral staircase this morning to the top of the William Wallace Monument. Small step for man, giant step for conquering fears of height, vertigo, and starvation.

9. Because I don’t like even numbers, I will mention that tomorrow we leave the 3rd Ring of Hell to return to the safety and impeccable showers of Pollock Halls in Edinburgh…we’re going home, Dorothy! (Pictures uploading as we speak...will post them separate)

Making Leo Tolstoy Jealous, One Blog at a Time,

Ashley

P.S. What in the Sam Hell is up with British television?! I am forced either to watch cricket (which actually looks like a riot to play), PG-13 pornography (all adult shows, I've found, fall into this category), or VCCS's... (Very Creepy Children's Shows...like this one called "Trapped"...with bizarro adults sprinkled in).

P.P.S. Nevermind the P.S...just found Wimbledon.