Finally back "home" in Edinburgh, and thinking a little more clearly after having a chicken caesar salad, which marks my first vegetable intake since last Monday. I could literally write a whole blog about how great it is to have options that don't include the words "fried," "cheese," and "bread." But alas, I have bigger fish to fry...(last time I intend to say the word "fry" for the next decade).What could possibly be more important than food, you ask? (and rightly so) Well I will tell you...the discovery of my own beyond brilliant moneymaking scheme for the Scottish Heritage Tourism Board, that's what. But let's start from the beginning...
Woke up in grannyland this morning (the King Robert Hotel) only to discover that the "ouch my throat kind of hurts" from the night before had snowballed into an "I think someone left a few bags of very sharp rocks in my glands" situation. After sucking down some Airborne, I went down to breakfast to look for a knife with which to shank the person on the bus who had been coughing for 8 days without mouth coverage (I mean, really. My preschoolers had better manners). I resisted, as I remembered that I would very soon be leaving the Bus Trip from Hell and would hate to be thrown in Stirling Prison. Walked outside, at which point little old lady #3 on the bench remarked, "ooh, look a little viking," and then winked at me...(did I just get "OWNED" by a member of SAS (Scottish Association for the Senile)? I MUST find a way to stowe my viking headpiece in my suitcase...and soon). Utterly humiliated, I was so
on informed that June 23rd was to be christened "Roman Day" (snooze), but that we would also be visiting Linlithgow Palace, birthplace of MQOS (giggidy!). However, it seemed the Dr.'s P could not help but throw us into one last tourist trap, which they did successfully with the Falkirk Wheel (not worth describing here, but please feel free to browse the pictures of what looks like the World's Biggest Can Opener).
on informed that June 23rd was to be christened "Roman Day" (snooze), but that we would also be visiting Linlithgow Palace, birthplace of MQOS (giggidy!). However, it seemed the Dr.'s P could not help but throw us into one last tourist trap, which they did successfully with the Falkirk Wheel (not worth describing here, but please feel free to browse the pictures of what looks like the World's Biggest Can Opener). After satisfying the tourist beast within, we proceeded to the Antonine Wall (which is really a massive ditch and burn...covered in grass...but EXCELLENT getting-a-tan-wise)...As I was half-listening to presentations, half sunning myself, I happened upon the Scottish equivalent of the "American firefigh
ters are all good looking regardless of age" theory: which is, the "Mowers of Historical Scottish Monuments are all shirtless and only sometimes good looking regardless of age" theory. I will not lie to you...I had to hide behind the mowers' trailer door whilst they were taking a break to snap the "reclining shirtless mower pose" picture... I have decided to call him "Mr. June," and I will be using his pasty bod for my Brilliant Moneymaking Scheme, which is a calendar to be entitled "Sweaty Shirtless Scots: Out and Aboot 2010"... seems the sun=shirtless scots tendency is an epidemic, actually, as I snapped pictures of at least 4 at lunch alone...
ters are all good looking regardless of age" theory: which is, the "Mowers of Historical Scottish Monuments are all shirtless and only sometimes good looking regardless of age" theory. I will not lie to you...I had to hide behind the mowers' trailer door whilst they were taking a break to snap the "reclining shirtless mower pose" picture... I have decided to call him "Mr. June," and I will be using his pasty bod for my Brilliant Moneymaking Scheme, which is a calendar to be entitled "Sweaty Shirtless Scots: Out and Aboot 2010"... seems the sun=shirtless scots tendency is an epidemic, actually, as I snapped pictures of at least 4 at lunch alone... Other Tidbits Because I Enjoy Using the Word "Tidbits':
1. The good people at the Scottish Department of Public Safety, I have concluded, are government employees by day, and comedians by night. The road signage here is at about an 8.5 on the hilarity scale. "20: Twenty is Plenty" (speed limit-wise), "Change of Priority Ahead," "Thank you for driving carefully" (to make you feel guilty when you decide that 20 kph is not "plenty" fast enough)...the list is truly endless. At many of the school crossings, there are signs that look like a granny with a big purse dragging a child behind her much like a Border Collie. Priceless.
2. Speaking of Border Collies, I was almost overcome with internal laughter at the big grass mound they like to call "Antonine's Wall" when this Border Collie comes out of nowhere carrying a stick in its mouth and crouches down about 100 meters from our group (which is trying to pay very close attention to Dr. Petruso's talk)...about every 10 seconds he did this little "stand up, grab stick, crouch down with stick, shuffle shuffle shuffle forward on my tummy like i'm the cutest thing you've ever seen" and repeat until he was mere inches away from my back. It took all I had to fight off the "AWWWW" urge and not indulge the poor critter. But I did...which didn't really matter anyway, as I had spent 5 min. watching the dog and approx. 0 min. learning about the Romans. So, there you go.
3. If my career ever takes a dive down the tubes, and then my "Plan B" fails (moving to New Mexico to give white water raft tours professionally), I have figured out a "Plan C." Which is becoming a Professional Historical Site Lawnmower. I would include an 'umbrella hat' in my uniform.
4. Discovered a new dessert which I like to call the "Brookie"...it's as if the most delicious chocolate chip cookie i've ever tasted decided it had had enough of being round and morphed into a brownie shape. A wise decision, in my opinion.
5. Read the words "black bitch" on a plaque today...which would be nothing out of the ordinary...if it hadn't been on a plaque IN ST. MICHAEL'S CATHEDRAL. Yeah, that's right...a church. First 'twatt,' now 'black bitch'... It is like the ghost of Monty Python is following me around Scotland. Linlithgow Palace and St. Michael's Cathedral are my new favorites to date, mostly because of the MQOS factor, and the "hooray, this doesn't feel like a cheap Six Flags attraction" factor.
Cairnpapple Hill was a big round thing covered in grass with 3 tombs inside. Kind of like nature's version of the 'Kinder Surprise.' Except there were no 'toys' (bodies) left inside...I feel cheated.The HIGHLIGHT of
the day, I must say, was the beginning of Andras' presentation at the Antonine Wall... (Please Note: Andras is a theatre major. And notoriously unpredictable). As we all gathered in a circle to listen, he just started walking off in the opposite direction...I thought he was getting stage fright...but after getting about 1/4 a mile away, he turned suddenly and started running a full out sprint toward Dr. Petruso with this crazy look in his eye, shouting "The British are coming! The British are coming!"...eventually stopping within inches of Dr. P, cool as a cucumber. The moral of this story? Cabin Fever + Love of the Theatre = a recipe for lunacy.
the day, I must say, was the beginning of Andras' presentation at the Antonine Wall... (Please Note: Andras is a theatre major. And notoriously unpredictable). As we all gathered in a circle to listen, he just started walking off in the opposite direction...I thought he was getting stage fright...but after getting about 1/4 a mile away, he turned suddenly and started running a full out sprint toward Dr. Petruso with this crazy look in his eye, shouting "The British are coming! The British are coming!"...eventually stopping within inches of Dr. P, cool as a cucumber. The moral of this story? Cabin Fever + Love of the Theatre = a recipe for lunacy. Day 13 Evidence Including Copyrighted 'Shirtless Scots' Pictures (easy ladies): http://s672.photobucket.com/albums/vv82/amj7348/Scotland%20Day%2013/
There's No Place Like Home-ish,
Ashley
P.S. Tomorrow = FREE DAY! Also, my clothes do not fit anymore. Which means I will be doing "hot wash/hot dry" laundry breakfasting tomorrow. A winning combination.
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